Honesty

Well it has been awhile since I wrote something truly from the heart.  Many times there isn't much that most of you who know me don't already know.  My life seems to be pretty stable most days.  The Lord is always teaching me new lessons but most of them are too hard to explain or have too much background.  I find that he often teaches me slowly and over time rather than big lessons all at once.  Maybe this is because I have a hard time listening.  Or maybe it is because I often need time to think and digest the things that he is trying to teach me and so he only gives me a little at a time as to not overwhelm me.  But this week I have been overwhelmed.  This week I am learning about disappointment, heartache, and honesty. 

I think so often my problem is not that I am not honest with others so much as I am not honest with my self.  If  I am not honest with myself how can I possibly be honest with those around me.  I find this is true for a lot of people.  They can see that what we are saying is not lining up with how we are living or acting or feeling but because we are not honest with out selves we don't listen or don't see what they are able to see.

This whole summer I have been learning about disappointment and failure.  It started with not getting a job that I really wanted.  It was followed by making a miscalculation in a class and not receiving a passing grade.  It has continued with an endless job hunt for a position in the work force.  And this week it was once again ripped at my heart with some news that should have been happy but is really more of a heartache.

So what have a I learned through all of this?  I have learned that we cannot control the choices of others.  I have learned that I must be honest with my self and with the Lord, even if it means telling him I am angry or upset or sad.  I have learned that God knows what we need even more than we do.  I have learned that sometimes failure is one of God's greatest blessings.  The Lord's plan is always better than mine, and I have been reminded that he must often break us before he can bless us.  I am learning to be more positive and to look on the bright side.  And I think most of all I am learning how insignificant I am and how my idea of control is a facade self manifested to help me justify sin in my life.  I am sure this idea doesn't make sense to any one else but that's ok because it is my self discovery.

Learning is hard.  It requires change.  It requires honesty.  It requires pain.  But in the end it is necessary.  With out change self destruction begins to take hold, eventually forcing decisions to be made and consequences to be paid.

Love from Liberty,
Peggy